Something I've been thinking about (the worst organized blog post EVER)...

So recently and again, gay marriage has become a hot button topic in the political world.  North Carolina voted in favor of an amendment banning homosexual marriages, and shortly after President Obama came out openly in support of gay marriage.

In my church, we are taught that acting on homosexuality is a sin; we've repeatedly been told that we shouldn't be in support of gay marriage because it defies what God's plan is for the family.  Towards the end of the school at BYU, there was a gay student panel made up of four homosexual/bisexual students that were brave enough to come out and discuss their struggles with same-sex attraction while still being faithful members of the church.  It was one of the most inspiring things that I think has ever happened at my school, and I'm proud to have been there while it happened.

Being Mormon, we are often looked down upon for our church's view on homosexual marriages, and this can be really hard while also being from California.  This is a topic that I personally have been struggling with for a while now.  I want everyone to be happy, and logically this would mean letting all people have equal marriage rights; however, I believe the law of God to be above the law of man, and do believe that "wickedness never was happiness;" along those lines, since homosexuality is a sin, even if practicing it in this life makes them happy now, God will punish them for it after they die.  Of course, this is not an argument I can use validly, especially among many of my peers who don't believe in God or believe that since we don't follow all parts and laws of the Bible, we shouldn't be allowed to condemn homosexuality because the Bible says so.  There's the equally appealing argument that people use when they say that nowhere does Jesus actually condemn homosexuality, and I can't just say that we have modern revelation condemning homosexual practices, because only Mormons will believe that (and only the Conservative ones, for that matter haha).  It's a ridiculously fine line to tread.

Now, I believe the greatest law above all others is to love everyone.  I think many people misunderstand that when my church condemns homosexuality, it is not condemning homosexuals themselves; we love everyone, especially those that struggle with their homosexuality in a church that condemns it.  They have some of the strongest faiths that I've ever heard of, and I love them for the bravery that they demonstrate on a daily basis.  Rather, when the gospel condemns homosexuality, it is condemning the practice of it; there are many worthy homosexual members within our church that refrain from acting upon their urges and are able to hold temple recommends and callings worthily.  We do not push out members for having homosexual tendencies.

Personally, I don't really know whether I'm in support of gay marriage or not.  Part of me wants to stick with the gospel that I have been born and raised in (and believe in), while the other part of me hates to see earthly happiness restricted to so many people.  I know, I know, there are those homosexual members in the church who end up in a heterosexual marriage and it ends up working out for them, and that's great; but honestly, I think those are the rare exception.  More times than not, a gay Mormon is not going to end up in a happy and healthy heterosexual relationship.  I feel like all people should be happy, but still have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that gay marriage is not something God would approve of, and ultimately I care more about what God wants than what people want (call me crazy, but we all have our beliefs).


I know that from what I've written it mostly sounds like I'm against gay marriage, and I think that at my core, I am; I don't know how to justify the unhappiness of so many people, though, and it seriously tears me up inside.  I know some of you are thinking, "Just support gay marriage then, that's the only way," but it's honestly not that easy, no matter how much you say it is.  This issue is not as black and white as so many people on both sides think it appears to be.  I wish that there were a way for gay people in the church to be able to have the same happiness as those straight members without having to go to such extremes as marrying a person of the opposite gender.

And I know that not all of you reading this believe in God, I get that, but that is my own personal opinion.  I know you think that we're hateful because we support laws that restrict others' happiness, but I have seen plenty of hate come from your side as well.  There's such a thing called "tolerance" of other peoples' opinions, and I feel that when it comes to the topic of gay marriage, there is very little tolerance on either side of the argument.  Many extremists against gay marriage go too far in saying God hates gay (which is a blatant lie, because He loves everyone), but then there are those in support of it that believe those who support traditional marriage hate gays (which is not true; I support traditional marriage, but most definitely do not hate gay people).  I respect your opinion; I may not agree with it (like I said, this is a topic that perplexes my soul), but I will allow you to believe it without bashing you for it.  All I ask is that while I express my own opinion, you don't bash me for mine.

Post-Grad Life

It has been quite a while since I have been on here, obviously, and a TON has happened.  I went to Holland for Christmas, which was amazing and fantastic, mostly because I was hanging out with my family and the missionaries and Andrew (a friend from my family's ward).  Then I came back to school, unfortunately didn't make the ballroom team or either of the gold classes (although I DID win 3rd place in Mambo at DanceSport in March, on my birthday, thank you very much), but this was probably a good things because I got a bit busy with my last semester and all.  Which leads me to my most important piece of news: I GRADUATED COLLEGE!  I know, I know, it's a freaking miracle.  And I graduated with over a 3.0 GPA, too, which is even MORE astounding considering how bad I usually do during my winter semesters (as demonstrated with my 2.74 and 2.86 GPAs for the first two winter semesters I had.  My third was a 3.02 and my fourth a 3.19.  AND I graduated on time, too.  I am a champion).

So now that I've moved out of Provo (and away from my HIDEOUS landlords), I'm back in Fairfield living with Kathy and Chris for the next month, and in the process of getting ready for China.  Yeah, you read that right, CHINA.  I still can't really believe it, either.  I don't think it'll be real until I'm at the airport.  My Chinese roommate Kexin hooked me up with a guy she knows back home that runs his own English-teaching business and got me a job as a teacher.  It's a pretty sweet set-up, actually; I get a monthly salary (a little over $1200), along with free room and board AND food during the week.  I'll pretty much only need to pay for food on the weekends, personal items like toiletries, and whatever traveling expenses that I have from going all over China and (hopefully) other countries.  Kexin will be out in June for a couple of months, and a couple of our roommates from this year will be Thailand for a couple of months, so we're going to try and visit them while they're there; how cool would that be?!  I'm becoming quite the world traveler.  Mom and Dad are being very supportive of all this craziness; they're just happy I'm going to have a job to pay off my student loans with.  They even encourage me to travel, and that they'll help with a bit of the interest on my loans.  Of course, I don't want them to do that, so I think I'll end up staying longer than my already planned year there so I can make a bit of extra cash, for both loans a some money for a new car.  I really hope I end up liking it, so I'll be more inclined to stay longer.  I'm REALLY hoping I'll like it to stay long enough to save up money so I can get braces once I'm back in the States.  I won't be on my parents' insurance anymore, so it will be much more expensive than if I were.  I know my employer is eager to please so that I stay as long as possible (they like to keep their teachers there for as long as possible so the kids have consistency in teachers), so I'm sure I'll find just about everything to my satisfaction.  I'll have internet there, so I'll still be able to Skype and blog and stuff (and if I download a good proxy, get on Facebook and Youtube haha), and my parents are even trying to figure out a phone situation for me.  Luckily, I convinced my good friend Rachel to come and join me, so she'll be out in August sometime, where we'll live together and play with little Chinese kids everyday :)  I don't think I would be so excited about this if she wasn't coming with me, so I'm grateful I convinced her to haha.  We even have a couple of different options in regards to attending church, so I think we will be well set up there.

Unfortunately, I lost my passport in the midst of moving, so now I'm in the process of quickly getting another one, which unfortunately costs a ton of cash, but luckily my mummy had some saved up from VA benefits, so we're able to use that for it.  I also have to start a new visa application, since my original one is to my old passport, and I lost my birth certificate so I have to get a new one of those, too.  It's been a bit hectic, but we're making it work.  I'm just grateful to be done with college and on my way to a fabulous opportunity to experience the world and a different culture.

Speaking of Chinese culture, can I just say I'm a bit scared of Chinese food?  I mean REAL Chinese food, not the stuff they serve at Panda Express.  As delicious and orange chicken is, it's not what I'll be eating in China; I've heard that there's a lot of seafood in China, which I'm okay with, so I'm thinking I'll be good.  At least, I hope so.  I'm just going to have to suck it up, because either I'll starve, or I'll gorge myself on rice and get super fat, which CANNOT happen.  If anything, I want to try and LOSE weight while I'm in China, so let's hope I can somewhat accomplish that goal, even if it's just keeping weight off haha.  I finally lost all of the weight I gained over the summer (thanks to ballroom), and although I'm not fat right now, I'm a bit curvy and could stand to lose a few pounds, so I at least need to keep weight off.  Cross your fingers for me, everybody!

But alright, it's 2:36 AM as of this moment, and I'm SUPER tired now and have quite a bit to do tomorrow (mostly grading papers for Kathy to make some extra cash).  But before I leave, of COURSE I need to do a Hottie of the Post!  Today's lucky winner is Columbus Short.

Brotha is fiiiiiiiiine.  There just isn't a picture that does him justice, honestly.  He is a fantastic actor, as well as an amazing dancer - watch "Stomp the Yard" if you want to see (not the greatest movie, but his acting is great, and there's some awesome dancing.  And eye candy.  Ahem.).  Part of my liking for him is his charisma on screen - he is chock full of it.  He's currently on the ABC drama "Scandal," and since watching it I've remember how freaking hot he is.  So therefore, he is my flavor of the post.

Anyway, now it's 2:48.  At this rate I won't wake up until 3 in the afternoon tomorrow, so it's time for me to go.  Love you all!

A New Year

It's crazy to think that it's already 2012.  It means that I only have one semester left before I graduate from BYU with a Bachelor's degree.  It means that in a few short months I actually have to start my life.  And if you're a conspiracy theorist, it also means that the world is ending in December haha.

But seriously.  2011 was actually a really great year.  It wasn't perfect, but I met so many awesome people that my life wouldn't be the same with.  I've gotten to do some AMAZING things (Berlin, Switzerland, Roma, Cologne, and not to mention BALLROOM!), things that have enriched my life sooooooo much.  I've had such a good year, I think it's going to take a lot for 2012 to try and top it.

Tomorrow I leave for Provo again.  I begin my last semester on Wednesday, and immediately have auditions for classes that day and auditions for team the night after that.  But for this semester, yes, I will strive to do well in my classes and finish strong in my grades (by the way, I got a 3.53 this semester!  Best GPA I've ever had :D), but I will also do everything that I can to have a good time and enjoy my last few months as a carefree college student before I have to start making a living for myself.  It's going to be scary, because I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life yet, just speculations, but whatever comes, I want to be ready for it and receive it with open arms.

I hope that as you reflect on 2011, that you remember the good times that you had, but also see what you can do to make 2012 better.  I know that I want to make it my best year so far.  May 2012 bring you all much happiness and many blessings <3

Little Blessings

So it's currently after 2 AM here in Provo, and I've been attempting to work on my research paper for my humanities class.  I also have another paper due for my history class, and I thought they were due on the same day because my roommate had told me the history paper was due on Tuesday, but turns out it's not due until Thursday!  This makes me glad, because it gives me more time to work on my humanities paper, and then a couple of extra days to work on my history one.  This means more sleep for me!  I'm really happy, if you couldn't tell.  I tell you, it's the little things in life that make it all worthwhile :)

Research Papers are the Devil

Seriously.  And I have two due on Tuesday.  Granted, one of them is only a rough draft, but the other one, the one that I can't figure out what to write about, is due for real.  Why do I always procrastinate these things?  You think I'd have learned after three years of college, but nope.

Anyway, other than that, life is alright.  I have medals exams for three of my ballroom classes this week (kind of nervous about those!) and there's only about a week and a half of real classes left before reading days and finals.  Yeah, you read that right, THE SEMESTER IS ALMOST OVER.  It went by so freaking quick, let me tell you.  And now that we've decided I'm graduating in April instead of August, that means I only have one more semester of college left.  LESS THAN FIVE MONTHS UNTIL I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE.   I can't believe it.  You think high school will take forever, and then college will, but no, it goes by waaaaaaaay quicker than you would think.  And what sucks is that all of my plans are disapparating before my very eyes.  I want to do the military thing, but all of the cutbacks going on are making that a very unlikely career at the moment.  So what to do?  I don't know.  I would just get married, but we know how I am with boys.

Speaking of boys, I have a really good story for you all!  Well, good as in funny, not as in it ends well.  So there's this boy, whom we shall call Mr. Ballroom.  Obviously, he's a ballroom boy, and he's in two of my classes.  We met at the beginning of the semester, and in September he asked me out on a double date with his roommate, and I said yes, and it was a fine date.  Free food, free ticket to World of Dance, and he's a nice guy to boot.  However, I barely knew him at this point in my life, and decided that I didn't like him in that way.  I was pretty sure he liked me after a couple of things (him walking me home after practicing for ballroom, for instance, when he lives almost eight blocks east of me), but I did not reciprocate those feelings.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I thought he was super nice and we got along great, but I just wasn't attracted to him.  Lame, lame, I know.

At least, this is what I kept telling myself.

I couldn't stop thinking about how much I didn't like him.  Then a few weeks ago we had stake conference, and they had an engaged couple speak, and the female in the relationship said that she hadn't initially been attracted to her fiancee, but then she was.  Combine this with some advice another ballroom boy gave me ("Men learn to love what they are attracted to, and women learn to be attracted to what they love," which I totally agree with, by the way), and BAM.  One day I woke up and realized something.

I had a huge fat crush on Mr. Ballroom.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me.  I had spent weeks telling myself I didn't like him, and all that time I was running away from the truth.  I liked him.  A LOT.

My roommate Kexin was ecstatic.  She loves Mr. Ballroom, and me, and she told me how she wanted us to date so we could get married and I would stay in Provo (since this is Mr. Ballroom's first year back at school after his mission, and he still hasn't chosen a major yet, I would probably be here another couple of years at least, and Kexin is a year or two behind me.  We're bff's, if you couldn't tell haha).  Of course, I don't want to be hasty, but I'd be lying if I told you it wasn't an appealing thought.

But now I had a dilemma.  I liked Mr. Ballroom, but didn't want to wait around for forever for him to make up his mind.  So I started flirting, and talking to him as much as I could, and invited him over for dinner (and he came, by the way, and then walked me to the Wilk for an audition before walking home himself).  I thought he liked me back, and so did some of my friends.

Apparently, we were wrong.  Or at least, partially wrong.

See, like I said, I didn't want to wait around for him forever, so I made up my mind that I was going to be bold and tell him that I liked him.  And I did.

Except, I made it the most awkward situation possible.

On Monday we were walking together after class, like we usually do, and had hugged to say goodbye, but I was acting crazy and he could tell, so he said, "What?"  Of course, I was losing my nerve, so I said, "Nothing."  This happened a couple more times as we walked away from each other, and as Kexin (who is in one of our ballroom classes) and a few more people from our class walked out of the Wilk.  So I sucked him up, crooked my finger at him, and he came back over to me.  And then I said it.  "Okay, I'm just going to put this out there...I really like.  So...yeah...bye."

Yup.  And he didn't say anything, just kind of nodded, and then I ran away like a little girl to choir.  And proceeded to freak out about this on and off for the rest of the day.  People told me that I needed to text him to try and remedy the awkwardness of the situation, which I did, and to which he replied, "Nah, don't worry about it, I understand.  If you'd prefer to talk in person I feel it's more legit.  Will you be around tomorrow?"  So we made plans to meet after class, since choir was cancelled for break, and I reassured myself that this was a good thing.  At the very least, it wasn't bad, because he wasn't avoiding me.  So maybe things would end up with me FINALLY getting a boyfriend, the first of my college career!

That was NOT how the cookie ended up crumbling.

So we go and talk the next day.  He doesn't really know how to start this conversation (would you?), but he starts asking the "What are you thinking/hoping is going to happen now?" question.  I don't want to freak him out by telling him how much I want to date him, so I ask him how he was, because I felt like I had freaked him out, to which he replies that it was unexpected, but not a total freak-out for him.  But then he says it.

"Well, I haven't really thought about this since coming home off of my mission, but I kind of like things the way they are right now.  I just say we keep things the same and if something happens down the road, then cool."  Or something to that affect.

And I say, "Yeah, this is hard for me too, since I'm graduating in April and don't really know what to do."  When in reality, all I wanted to tell him was that we should date, or at least go on another date together.  But I agree to just keep things the same, and I felt pretty content, because although the conversation hadn't ended as ideally as I had hoped, at least we were still friends.

But the more I thought about it, the more depressed I got.  This was the first guy I had spilled my guts to in five years.  And he hadn't even told me if he liked me back, which I thought he had, but apparently I was mistaken.  So I talked to some friends, and I Skyped my mom, and have resolved that I still am not going to wait around for him to change his mind.  There are other boys that I kind of like, but just don't know as well as him.  So I guess we'll see what happens.  In any case, I do not expect to graduate college dating/engaged/married.

So yeah, that's the drama in my life right now.  How about something beautiful?  That's right, it's time for Hottie of the Post!  This week we're gonna go with Tom Felton, a.k.a. Draco Malfoy.

I spent too much of yesterday watching stuff about Harry Potter, and realized (or remembered) how smashing Tom actually is.  And he is just adorable in his interviews, too.  He's funny and nice, and he's British, so he's got the sexy accent to boot :)

Anyway, I need to get back to tearing my hair out about my research paper(s).  I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving with your families and/or loved ones.  I'm grateful to some friends for inviting me over to their place for their first married Thanksgiving.  Ashley made some amazing food, and they were great company.  But that is truly all for now.  Ta ta!

It's been too long...

...since I have written on my blog.  Since the last time I wrote, I've left Holland, moved into my new house in Provo, and gone through two weeks of school (already).  I also took the final for my independent study class and got an A- on it, thank you very much :)  It's nice to finally be done with that.  But now I have real classes to participate in, and unfortunately, I'm going to have a lot of writing to do, what with my history class and my two humanities classes.  I hate writing essays (so I don't understand why I decided to be a humanities major...).

However, I also get to take four ballroom classes and choir, so I am very blessed.  Six of my eighteen credits are composed of those classes, so I only have 12 credits of "real" classes.  Hopefully it won't be too bad.  However, I do still need to find a job, which sucks, but I will hopefully be able to do so in the near future.  The only jobs that really fit in my schedule are early morning/late night custodial jobs, and those are hard to come by. It's rather unfortunate, to be sure.

All in all, things are going pretty well.  I like my professors, I'm getting along with my eight roommates, and it's nice living close to campus, although I do not enjoy have to walk up the stairs everyday (all I know is, I better have the nicest legs/butt by the end of the year).  And even though my MWF are really long, since most of my classes on those days are dance/choir, it's not too bad.

So today is the 10 year anniversary of 9/11.  I can't believe it's been that long already since it happened.  I still remember being in the car on the way to school in Texas and hearing about a place crashing into a tower, but at the time not knowing that it was a terrorist attack.  It wasn't until as the day went on that I realized the gravity of the situation.  I remember crying and praying.  I remember how long it took to get back on base on the way home from school.  It's amazing how we are still dealing with the repercussions of that day, and I think in some ways, we always will.  It still saddens me to see the grief of those who lost loved ones in the attack.  I hope that those who lost loved ones know that they are never forgotten.

So I know that I still need to tell you all about Switzerland/Italy.  I'm just a really big slacker right now.  I just don't want to take the time to go through all of my photos on my camera.  I definitely won't put all of them on here, that's for sure, but eventually you will see some of them.  I'm pretty sure I'm friends with all of you on Facebook, though, so you'll be able to see more of them on there.

And now it's time for, you guessed, Hottie of the Post!  As I type I'm trying to think of who I could choose, and I think today I'm going to go with...Jonathan Rhys Meyers!

Yet another gorgeous man with amazingly gorgeous eyes.  Seriously though, I need to marry someone with eyes like his or Jared Leto's, because then our babies will be sure to have gorgeous eyes.

Anyway, I'm tired, and still need to read some boring thing for my humanities class tomorrow, and I told a friend I would come visit him at the 9/11 flag vigil on campus sometime, and since it ends at 0730, that means a very early morning tomorrow.  So enjoy Jonathan, and I will talk to you all later :)

One Week...

Goodness gracious.  Where has this summer vacation gone?

In one week I'll be headed back to Utah.  I cannot believe how fast this summer went.  Last summer seemed to go sooooo sloooooow, but the exact opposite happened this summer.  Maybe because it's the last summer before I have to become a full-fledged adult?  And honestly, that is a scary thought.  It hasn't totally sunk in yet that in a year (or less) I will be a college graduate.  On my own in the world.  AND I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE.  Most people would say, "Oh, just get married and then you'll be set."  Just one problem though: I don't want to be married when I graduate.  I want to live my own life for a little bit before I'm tied down for the rest of my life.  Not that being married isn't great, because I hear it's the bomb, but I'm not ready.  At all.  I mean, I've barely dated, and people want me to get married?  I don't think so.

Anyway, I can't believe the rest of my life is slowly closing in on me.  Especially when I don't know what it is.  I mean, I know what I want, but I need to figure out if I'm going to be able to do it.  Life is just so...aggravating.  It's going to give me even more grey hair than I already have.

Oh, have I mentioned all of my freaking grey hairs?  They are EVERYWHERE.  It's ridiculous.  I mean, it's not totally shocking, since my mom was grey by the time she was 30, and my dad's almost all the way grey now, and he's only 44, but still.  I'm 21 and have a lot of grey hair.  And at the moment, I'm struggling to figure out if I should just suck it up and grow all of my hair own to my natural color.  I mean, it would be easier, but I don't want to look super weird for my senior year of college.  My dad really wants me to get a super short pixie cut.  I think he knows it will make me look much less attractive, and thereby keep his little girl single for a lot longer ;-)  I don't know, I think he just thinks it'll look cute, but I think it will make me look fat(ter).  But we'll see.  I want something new, and I at least need to chop off a lot of my hair to give a head start on growing out my natural color.  I just don't know if I want to chop it all off.

Some good new: I finished my independent study class!  I know, I had over a year and waited until the last possible moment to do it, but hey, it's done, and that's all that matters, right?  So all I have to do is take the final once I get back to BYU, and it'll all be good.

In other news, I might be graduating in August instead of April.  It's more or less up to my parents, so I guess we should figure that out soon so I can refigure some of my schedule and make it a bit less cluttered.  So here's to waiting for that.

I know that I still haven't talked about Switzerland/Italy yet, but I don't have my own laptop yet and don't want to upload my pictures to someone else's computer.  So once I can get it all figured out, I'll post some so you can all be jealous of my awesome vacation this summer :P

So anyway, I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their summer!  Some of you I'll see soon, and others...well, I don't know when I'll see you, but I hope you are all well :-)

Oh!  I almost forgot!  I need to do a Hottie of the Week post!  I recently watched "Becoming Jane," and the leading man was the ever-so-dashing James McAvoy.

Yeah.  It kind of pains me that he's married.  But he sure is lovely to look at.  And he has the most lovely blue eyes.  And he's actually Scottish, and his real accent is so adorable.  And he and Fassy have the most adorable bromance haha.  Anyway, that's really all.  Talk to you all later!