Blah...

So you know how I said I was writing a book?

Yeah...

I got about a chapter and a half of it out.

And then I realized later that it was stupid.

I think I just lost my inspiration.  And started doubting myself.

But no biggie.  I have other things to worry about, like finishing my online class.  And Kathy coming on Friday morning.  And losing weight (because let me tell you, I'm turning into a fatty.  If any of you know any good diet plans, let me know).

Oh, and Michael Fassbender.

So beautiful...

Seriously.  This man makes my heart skip.  And I don't care that he's 34 years old or dating Zoe Kravitz (who is 22 years old, which gives me hope).  I ADORE HIM.

Okay, Fassy fan-girl rant over.

Oh, and can I add Jamie Bell is quite attractive as well?

Oh my...

I mean, LOOK AT HIM.  He's a good actor.  AND he dances.  Oh, and did I mention he's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot?  Case and point: THE ABOVE PICTURE.

Okay, now I'm done.  So on with real life.

MY MALE BEST FRIEND TREVOR CAME HOME FROM HIS MISSION THIS WEEK!!!!  Can you tell I'm excited about that?  I can talk to him about pretty much anything.  And for those of you thinking, "Oh, your male best friend?  I think I hear bells in the distance...," no, it isn't like that (even though a lot of people try to tell me it is, which makes me reject the idea even more, SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT).  Trevor is more or less my brother.  From another mother.  But we've been chatting on Facebook the last couple of nights, and it's just been great getting to talk to him in real time for the first time in two years :-)  We take care of each other, he and I, and it's great having my brother home. 

Actually, a LOT of the guys I knew from my freshman year are, and have been, coming home from their missions.  It's pretty awesome, needless to say.  I'm really excited about seeing everyone again this next school year.

So a mini rant now.  Trevor and I were talking tonight (it's currently 12:54 AM my time), and I mentioned how crazy this next semester was going to be, and how I was definitely graduating single.  Which I am pretty content with.  I have plans for my life, and sure, marriage is in there (somewhere), but I kind of like my independence (shocker, right?).  And Trevor made some comments like, "Well, don't reject it if it's there," or "What kind of guys do you like?  I want to introduce you to friends."

Okay.

I don't date a lot.  I've only ever had one boyfriend, kind of two (I had a sort-of relationship with a guy, but we were never official), and I let myself get absolutely crushed by both of them when it didn't work out.  ESPECIALLY with the sort-of boyfriend.  I was hung on this guy from the latter half of my junior year of high school until my freshman year of college.  And then I finally got over him (although I still think about whatever happened to him).  I realized he could never give me what I wanted and deserved.  But I have this problem, where I like guys and freak out when they like me back, or I don't like guys that like me, or I like guys that I will never get.  It seems like this is pretty standard for a lot of girls, because we're dumb and emotional and hormonal and all that.  And I always whine about boys, and about how even though I whine about them I secretly want one.  I mean, hand-holding and cuddling are the greatest things ever, and without a boy where can I get my fixes of those?

Anyway, back to the rant.

I understand us LDS girls are supposed to get married and have babies, and that we should make that a priority.  But...it's not for me.  At least, not right now.

I mean, I'm not saying I'm averse to dating or marriage.  Heck, dates can be super fun, and I hear married life is the best.  But I'm scared of being set up with guys that I end up not being interested in.  Because what if he's interested in me, but I have no intention of ever seeing him again?  This happened to me this last semester, and I feel awful in this kind of situation.

Goodness, I don't really know where I'm going with this.  More or less what I think I'm trying to say is, someday the right guy will come along.  I'm not going to just go out with someone I have no interest in, or who I don't have those specific feelings towards.  That's not fair to him.  And it's not like I haven't put myself out there, because I have, and I've gotten shut down (and it's not like all of them were "out of my league," shall we say).  If I fall in love with a guy, and he loves me back, then yes, I'll do the right thing and get married.  But I'm not going to rush it.  I'm always waiting for a guy, and I always get told, "It'll happen when you're not looking for it."  And you know what?  I'm starting to get that.

I'm a big girl.  I am in control of my own heart and feelings.  I know eight months is a long time (by Mormon standards) to find someone and get married, but I'm not going to force it with someone I don't have the right connection with. 

Anyway, I realized that I'm more content with my singleness when I'm not in Provo.  Probably because I'm surrounded by married people in Provo and they're rubbing their euphoric happiness in my face.  But right now, I have plans for my life, and they involve a single me.

And I think I'm okay with that.

Anyway, I don't know if you've read my novel or not.  But it feels good to spill all of this out.  But I should get to bed.  We leave for Schinnen in about 8.5 hours, and I still need to sleep and shower before then.  So good night!